NEW YORK–A bewildered nation reports that it is “shocked” to hear that Anthony Weiner has failed to change his last name. Despite having pictures of his genitals widely circulated over almost every major news network for the second time, Weiner has inexplicably failed to change his name to something that doesn’t epitomize his shame.
“If Weiner had retired to a private life, it would be one thing. However, Weiner is currently running to become the Mayor of New York only weeks after his latest candid photo leak. The fact that Weiner won’t change his name to something that doesn’t instantly remind voters of why they shouldn’t vote for him defies all political prudence and common sense” commented political strategist Michael Wilson, adding, “I honestly can not think of a worse name for someone running for public office to have than Weiner”.
“You’d think with a second strain of d**k pics out there, Weiner would just change his name to something less ridiculous” reported one Manhattan resident, “it’s almost as if he’s inviting the comparison” .
Many New Yorkers take Weiner’s failure to make the obvious decision to change his almost intentionally comical name as a sign that he isn’t fit for public office.
“You’d think a politician would be smarter than that. If he can’t handle something this obvious, how can we trust him to help run the greatest city on the planet? It seems like changing your name from Weiner to something else after a sex scandal would be the first thing a sane man would do” collectively thought the entire state of New York.
When asked about the scandal, local business owner Anthony Surname said, “Honestly, how is this the one political scandal that isn’t being shamelessly covered up? We’d all understand if Weiner changed his name to Clark or something”.
“I mean, even if none of those photos of him ever came out, you’d still think a politician would have the sense to not use the name Weiner when running for office in the first place” noted every living political strategist.
In a recent poll taken, 63.992% of New Yorkers said that they’d be more likely to vote for somebody named Carlos Danger than Anthony Weiner.
“Even his pseudonyms are ridiculous, Carlos Danger, are you kidding me? The one chance the guy has to give himself a normal sounding name and he picks Carlos f*****g Danger”!
“If you’re going to have a ridiculous name, at least be brave enough to go all out with it… I’d have more respect for Weiner if he ran his mayoral campaign as Sir Linton Thaddeus Dawson or something like that”.
While it is yet undecided if Weiner’s decision to keep his given surname comes from a lack of shame or a lack of intelligence, it is clear what must be done. Weiner must change his name, move towns after surgically altering his face, and consider switching to a profession where a compulsive need to send naked photos to strangers doesn’t compromise an entire city’s integrity.
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