ISLAMIC STATE: Publishes ‘How To Survive In The West’ Guide For Undercover Jihadists… And It’s Kind Of Hilarious

Screen Shot 2015-06-13 at 9.49.48 AMGood job publishing your trade secrets on the internet, now we all get to laugh at them. Check it.

Here’s a bit of irony: The Islamic State (IS) is a fan of Krav Maga, the hand-to-hand combat system developed by the Israeli military. Apparently, it’s one of the many things you’re supposed to know if you’re going to be a secret agent for the militant group.

At least, that is, according to a handbook titled How to Survive in the West, which has been credited to IS. The manual, which has been floating around on the internet for a few months, offers would-be “secret agents” in enemy territory tips and tricks for how to secretive and sneaky while preparing to get their jihad on. The problem is, if you go through it a couple times, it becomes apparent that if this handbook is a damning indictment of anything, it would be Hollywood.

These 70 pages of creative capitalization and questionable punctuation lead off with a philosophical pitch to justify jihad:

“The leaders of disbelief repeatedly lie in the media and say that we Muslims are all terrorists, while we denied it and wanted to be peaceful citizens. [Which has] forced us into becoming radicalised, and that will be the cause of their defeat and be the cause for the conquest of Rome.”

So, the reasoning goes, the only way to prevent the West from accusing Muslims of being evil terrorists and killing everyone is to be evil terrorists and kill everyone.

This premise is a jihadi gloss on what almost amounts to an entire subgenre of film, the “A Man Pushed Too Far” vigilante justice type. The plot is a familiar one: a strong silent type tries to live a peaceful life until reckless hoodlums (or the Man or whatever) push, insult, or attack him one too many times. One day the heroic figure snaps, and metes out death and destruction to all the evildoers. Vengeance is had, explosions ensue, and another summer blockbuster is born. This narrative pervades the theological and ideological discussion that justifies jihad.

Having established the ideological and narrative underpinnings of jihad, the manual takes on the full spectrum of things the would-be jihadi/action hero out for justice needs to do if he’s going to get going and conquer Europe for Islam. Judging from the book, global conquest mostly involves doing stuff that somebody saw in a movie that one time.

The section on disguise is a twist on the entire homebrew superhero idea portrayed in Kick Ass. In Kick Ass, normal, ordinary people take on secret identities as superheroes (or villains). The jihadi manual operates under the premise that your true, real self is the jihadist, and that the normal guy (“Al instead of Ali, or a neutral name like Adam”) is the fake identity. Get past that teensy detail, however, and this manual seems to be barely capable of stopping itself short of superhero costumes. There’s talk of wigs, contact lenses, and even the powerful “Moustache Disguise.” Although the text doesn’t mention it, surely the moustache disguise would be a great way to slip across borders; it would be critical if our hypothetical jihadist needed to infiltrate a ’70s porn set.

And this business of blending in goes beyond just disguises, it also means hunting down some suitably white co-conspirators: “Befriend good decent white people who are dissatisfied with their governments,” the manual advises.

So far, I don’t know if IS has gotten very far with their campaign to recruit members of the Tea Party, but I suppose you can’t blame them for trying.

Some of the cloak-and-dagger tips are better than others. The section on privacy has a couple of tips about not getting busted for looking up too much jihad-related stuff — and/or keeping porn-surfing habits secret. First, the manual says, don’t do all your jihad-related surfing at home, although there’s no guidance on whether you should be doing that at work or what. Second, when surfing, use the anonymous web browser Tor. But those ideas don’t make up for the advice about using lemons to make invisible ink — that’s strictly Nancy Drew/Hardy Boys stuff.

Clearly any smart terrorist-in-training isn’t sticking to children’s mystery fiction and adventure movies alone. News channels are a good start:

“The safest way to get a basic overview on Jihad is to watch the News channels (such as Al Jazeerah).” And the Internet: “The best places to find the most info. about the Jihad with the least amount of searches required is the Social media [especially Twitter].”

The middle section of the book is all the action-hero, blockbuster advice that any red-blooded teenage jihobbyist can’t live without.

Running. Learning Krav Maga by watching YouTube videos. Desperately searching Wikihow for clues on how to be a stone-cold mujahid. Or really, just checking Wikihow for a clue, period.

But pointless blossoms into the spectacularly silly when the manual starts advocating strawman purchases of Nerf guns:

“You should buy Toy guns (Nerf guns), or Pellet guns or Paintball guns for Target practice. Maybe you can ask a child cousin, or a friend to buy them for you, but do not buy anything like this from Online because if you are suspected, your credit and buying history will be searched and they will ask you why you bought toy guns.”

Now, if the police were being helpful, instead of arresting the terrorist hopeful, they would probably ask why on Earth anyone thought that a Nerf gun was going to teach anybody anything useful about fighting a war. Using a Nerf gun as a training analog for combat is like playing Hungry Hungry Hippos to research the ecology of the Serengeti.

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