Nation’s Perverts Excited for TSA’s New Pat Down Security Procedure

tsaBUFFALO, NY – In response to recent attempts to smuggle illegal goods through TSA’s airport security, the agency has announced that it will have to further inconvenience travelers to insure that criminal activity is kept at a minimum.

Therefore, the agency has developed a new security program in which all airline customers will receive a thorough pat down of their entire body – no area being left untouched.  The response to the new program has been largely negative with the majority of fliers deeming it an invasion of privacy and completely unnecessary.

However, perverts and sexual deviants across the country are reportedly thrilled with the new regulations.  “A flight and a feel up?  I’m in!”, commented one visibly ecstatic Jet Blue customer.

While this psychographic of customers excitement was varied, the general consensus was that they all spend the majority of their time dreaming of being touched inappropriately, and a TSA employee would do just fine.

“The fun I have in the bedroom involves rubber gloves and fake cop uniforms, so this new policy is going to be no different than foreplay to me”, further commented the Jet Blue customer.

Additionally, even though most obese airline customers have announced a strong aversion to the policy, sources report that many of them shamefully enjoy the intimate contact in secret.

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About the author: Sebastian Scholl

My interests are extremely varied, as I am a musician, artist, athlete and scholar. Over my first 21 years I’ve had my artwork commissioned, performed music and dance publicly, become a nationally recognized athlete in multiple sports, critiqued film festivals, created a new style of photography, represented a major clothing brand and traveled around the world on more than one occasions. Born in Miami, Florida, my mother and father believed that developmental learning through travel was the highest quality education. Thus, my siblings and I were each home-schooled till the ninth grade. Wings ready or not, by then we were ready to leave the nest. Starting high school, I attended a boarding school for two years in the heart of the Rocky Mountains in Colorado. Here I developed an obsessive passion for whitewater kayaking. For my junior year, an opportunity arose that allowed me to travel for the year with my kayak, while staying on course academically; I never looked back. I soon found myself paddling the small creeks of southern Mexico to the colossal river valleys of western China. After the dream ended, though, I finished high-school back in Colorado at a public school, where I believe I had my first "normal" experience...ever. Since then I've spent my past three years at Boston University pursuing a life of opportunity, and have yet to rest in hopes of finding one that best suits me.

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