Tuesday afternoon, it was reported that the NSA has hired Santa Claus to assist in the war on terror.
In a press conference Tuesday afternoon, John C. Inglis, Deputy Director of the NSA, told reporters that, “Santa was the obvious choice for the job”. “Even with the NSA’s unmitigated power to spy on American citizens on the streets, on their phones, and on their computers” the US Government had no way to determine the, “sleeping patterns and the naughtiness of citizens”.
White House Spokesman, Jay Carney, told reporters that with, “Santa’s god-like omniscience” combined with the NSA’s veracious god complex, the US will be able to identify and neutralize “enemies of the US Government” on an unprecedented scale.
In his speech, Carney addressed the security concerns brought up by the Government collecting, storing, and analyzing the naughty and nice deeds of all Americans obtained through Clausian technology.
Carney assured the American public that the NSA, “will probably never even use the newly collected data” adding that, “there should be no more terror very soon”.
With Santa working full time at the NSA, a new Government agency, the Department of Seasonal Parcel Distribution, has been formed to take over Santa’s workshop in the North Pole.
This agency has been tasked with further analyzing the data regarding naughtiness collected by the NSA, and giving out holiday gifts accordingly.
Those deemed “Nice” by the new agency, or DSPD, will be sent American flag shaped cookies, along with a laptop with preloaded with accounts for Facebook, Google, and all of the other PRISM-friendly social networking sites.
Those deemed *“naughty” will be sent cautionary letters sent in the form of copies of the last chapter of George Orwell’s 1984 by unmanned predator drone.
While it is yet unconfirmed, many have speculated the sudden and shocking detainment of Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer in Guantanamo Bay as a reason for Santa’s recent vocational change.
Update: Satirists already speculating and preparing clever headlines for the Obama Administration’s next scandal.
*According to anonymous sources, Santa’s criteria for being naughty has changed to include such acts as, “tweeting unflattering remarks about public officials, talking about American’s constitutional rights, and reading articles from ClashDaily.com”.
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