Satire with Sepp: Gun Regulators Make Schools Safer by Hiring Armed Police

armed guardsWASHINGTON D.C. – In the US, approximately 75,000,000 privately owned firearms are registered and families are constantly faced by the dangers these weapons pose.  Following the recent school shootings, it is now more appropriate than ever to blame firearms for the events that have occurred.  That is why many states have begun taking stands against private gun ownership.

Similarly to pencils being the cause of misspelled words, firearms are the culprits behind the recent rash of violent shootings.  If citizens did not have access to these weapons, the recent tragedies would not have been able to occur.

While enforcing new laws limiting the availability of firearms – which include extensive background checks focusing on telltale information like whether a buyers 7th generation grandparents were known to argue – the main goal is to make sure that the nation’s children are safe while being educated.

“It is crucial that we educate this generation on how dangerous, impractical, and unneeded private gun ownership is”, said Brady Campaign spokesperson Debra DeShong Reed.  “Due to the recent school shootings, we now have an excellent opportunity to more easily reach our goal: safer, defenseless, and controlled communities for men, women, and children alike”.

The Brady Campaign has been working with the Whitehouse to help create solutions to the nation’s gun control issues.  “We cannot have our nations parents worrying every day about whether or not their children will come home from school.  Guns are the root cause of this worry, the evil that has caused unrest and a lack of safety in our communities”, said the President in a press release this morning. “That is why I believe it is important to station police armed with assault weapons throughout schools to keep children safe.”

By blaming recent shootings on the availability of firearms, the President aims to educate children on how dangerous these weapons are.  Meanwhile, he finds it appropriate to protect these students using firearms.

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About the author: Sebastian Scholl

My interests are extremely varied, as I am a musician, artist, athlete and scholar. Over my first 21 years I’ve had my artwork commissioned, performed music and dance publicly, become a nationally recognized athlete in multiple sports, critiqued film festivals, created a new style of photography, represented a major clothing brand and traveled around the world on more than one occasions. Born in Miami, Florida, my mother and father believed that developmental learning through travel was the highest quality education. Thus, my siblings and I were each home-schooled till the ninth grade. Wings ready or not, by then we were ready to leave the nest. Starting high school, I attended a boarding school for two years in the heart of the Rocky Mountains in Colorado. Here I developed an obsessive passion for whitewater kayaking. For my junior year, an opportunity arose that allowed me to travel for the year with my kayak, while staying on course academically; I never looked back. I soon found myself paddling the small creeks of southern Mexico to the colossal river valleys of western China. After the dream ended, though, I finished high-school back in Colorado at a public school, where I believe I had my first "normal" experience...ever. Since then I've spent my past three years at Boston University pursuing a life of opportunity, and have yet to rest in hopes of finding one that best suits me.

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