BY ASHLEY FERN
Apparently, being single in your twenties is currently some sort of epidemic that comes without explanation. While I am a part of this demographic, I am more than aware of the reasons I am single. It starts off with this: I choose to be.
People b*tch and complain about being single, stressing how much they hate it and how it’s such a drag to go through life alone. You know what’s a drag? Having to tell someone what you plan on doing all day long.
Guess what?! This is America, land of the free and home of the brave! I’m going to do whatever the f*ck I want to do today because I feel like it! If I feel like lying in bed for 10 hours on end, watching television while inhaling Domino’s thin crust pizza, I’m going to do just that! And if I’m really feeling it, I’ll do it again tomorrow!
The only person I’m answering to at this point in my life is the deliveryman, and honestly, he’s the only man I need in my life right now. Stop worrying about why you’re single and allow me to provide you with some eye-opening reasons for your relationship status — reasons you may not be aware of!
Sit back and laugh at the possible satirical explanations for why you’re still single, like me:
1. I’d rather stay in than go out.
When the weather is less than ideal, the most enticing place to spend Friday night is most definitely my bed, not the bar. Unfortunately, the only people to bond with during this time is the cast of “Grey’s Anatomy,” as my binge session continues on Netflix.
2. I don’t want to meet your family.
Walking into a room full of strangers whose only goal is to judge me sounds like the perfect afternoon, right? Thanks, but I think I’m going to have to pass on this one.
3. I definitely don’t want you to meet my family.
The only thing scarier than meeting your family is the idea of you meeting mine.
4. I can’t even commit to what I want for lunch.
I don’t even know what ingredients I want in this make-your-own salad. How am I supposed to commit to an actual person? Ugh, life is so hard sometimes…
5. I enjoy having the entire bed to myself far too much to share it.
Why choose a side when I have the entire bed to myself? Look at all of this space I have for the clean laundry I don’t feel like putting away!
6. I love my best friend more than I can foresee myself loving a potential partner.
You already love your best friend and trust her wholeheartedly. She basically fulfills every need you could ever want in a boyfriend. Well, except for the whole sex thing…
7. I have a low tolerance for bullsh*t.
Relationships are all about understanding, patience and compromise: three things I have absolutely no interest in pursuing.