Jot them down on a note card if you need to for easy reference, but whatever you do, keep these words out of your mouth lest you awaken the lady dragon and she rains down fire on your head and steals all your gold while you run into the hills, weeping with terror. They are nine things you should never, ever say to a woman.
1. “You look like…”
Stop. Just stop right there. It doesn’t matter if you tell her she looks like the hottest woman in the universe, because she’ll either take it one of two ways – one, she’ll twist it into the ol’ “Oh, so I’m not good enough for you, you have to make me into one of your fantasy babes?” or two, she will flip out because you’ve made the fatal mistake of comparing her to a woman she can’t stand. Look, you’ve seen E!, right? There are whole shows devoted entirely to women tearing down other women. Sure, you might think “You look like Jennifer Love Hewitt” is a fine compliment, but don’t be surprised when that’s followed by “That bitch???” or “Oh my god, but she’s gotten so fat, do you think I’m fat?” Your lady should always be the central reference point of your attraction scale, at least out loud.
2. “My mom says…”
Sigh. Look, feel free to bust this one out if you want to immediately emasculate yourself. At best, you end up sounding like you’re comparing her to your mother, and that is not a hornet’s nest you want to poke at. At worst, you end up sounding creepy as hell, and believe it or not, no woman wants to get down at the Bates Motel with Norman and his Skeletor mother. You’ll probably end up striking a tone somewhere sadly in the middle of those two sour notes, and she’ll think you’re an immature momma’s boy who still drops off his laundry on weekends. Women love a dude who has the proper respect for his mother, they just don’t want to hear about it, okay?
3. “You’re just full-figured”
No, stop! You’re better than this, man. Take a time out for a second to gather yourself before stepping on this landmine. No matter how hard you try to save this with some variant of “What? I like thick girls,” there is no coming back from this one without either a slap in the face or a night filled with tears and “I swear, I don’t think you’re fat. No, you’re beautiful. I just meant…” and so on and so on for 127 hours. And whatever you do, don’t fall for the trap of agreeing with her when she starts talking about how much she hates skinny girls, because that’s a doorway to hell you can never close.