Area girlfriend Caroline Nagler remains in stable condition at White Plains Hospital today, resting in a medically induced coma after suffering an apparent overdose of scented lotion, sources confirm.
Responding to a frantic 911 call from her boyfriend, emergency personnel said they rushed to Nagler’s residence around 10 p.m. last night and discovered the 26-year-old unconscious in her bed and surrounded by dozens of empty bottles of daily moisturizers, anti-wrinkle treatments, and hydrating balms, suggesting an acute level of lotion toxicity.
“When we arrived, Ms. Nagler’s blood-lotion level was 0.45. That’s four times the lethal limit,” said emergency responder Anne Jones, noting that in addition to finding high levels of Olay and Jergens in her system, doctors also discovered traces of harder oils like ylang-ylang and jojoba. “Her lips were extremely glossy—glossier than I’ve ever seen. It took us hours to stabilize her shea-soaked skin before we could even begin wiping off the many herbal extracts and replenishing creams, not to mention bath and shower gels.”
“We’re guessing that by the time her boyfriend found her, she had been inhaling cocoa butter and eucalyptus fumes for over 45 minutes,” Jones continued. “One more Buf-Puf of jasmine serum and it would have been too late.”
Doctors said that after Nagler arrived at the hospital’s trauma ward, it was a “race against time” to save the young woman’s life, with teams of nurses working around the clock to neutralize the accumulated layers of almond butters, Moroccan oils, essential fruit extracts, and age-defying exfoliants that had left her skin dangerously supple.
After first treating her arms and legs to remove the thick coat of honeysuckle and whipped vanilla gloss, emergency room staff vigorously scrubbed Nagler’s body with gauze to reduce the buildup of vitamin E and hibiscus. Next, the medical team used a high-powered pump to suction the ultra-hydrating lotions from her face and hands, areas that had been exposed to critical periods of long-lasting moisturization.
Read more: The Onion
- Policewoman Shoots Down 4 Jihadis by Herself — Video Footage Revealed
- BREAKING: Terror Attack on Pedestrians, Mowed Down by Van — Terrorist Take Hostages at Gun Point
- If Trump is Responsible for Death at Charlottesville, Then Isn’t Obama Responsible for these 5 Murders?
- Report: Charlottesville’s Neo-Nazi Organizer Was Former Occupy Activist, Supported Obama
- Missouri Senator Maria Chappelle-Nadal: ‘I Hope Trump Is Assassinated!’
- Democrat Steve Cohen is Introducing Impeachment Articles for President Trump Over Charlottesville
- Woman is Stabbed. Two Unarmed Men Try Saving Her, Get Stabbed. Then Dude With Gun Shows Up…
- White House Fact Sheet: How Trump and Sessions Have Combated Lawless Sanctuary Cities
- Pastor is Now Demanding Removal of George Washington Statue Because He Owned Slaves…
- All the Details Behind Car Attack in Charlottesville are Released, Man Behind Wheel Was… [UPDATE]
- GOOD JOB DAD: Father Gave his College Daughter a Gun, Saves her Life During Home Invasion
- 9yr-Old Girl Has Some Mad Crazy Handgun Skills [Video]
- Cop Mohammed Noor Shot Yoga Teacher From Patrol Car, While Reaching Over His Partner
- Here are 30 Democrats that Should be in JAIL for Meeting with Russian Officials
- Clinton Secret Service Agent Drops BOMBSHELL on Hillary & Bill
- WATCH: Armed Black Panthers Chant These 4 Shocking Words Feet from Police
- Delta Airlines Kicks Ann Coulter Out of Her Seat and Boy Was That the Wrong Decision…
- Report: Government Workers Sold IDs to Illegal Aliens so They Could Vote