THE ONION: Girlfriend Overdoses on Lotion

Screen Shot 2016-01-12 at 9.11.36 AMYes, we know it’s satire and we love it.

Area girlfriend Caroline Nagler remains in stable condition at White Plains Hospital today, resting in a medically induced coma after suffering an apparent overdose of scented lotion, sources confirm.

Responding to a frantic 911 call from her boyfriend, emergency personnel said they rushed to Nagler’s residence around 10 p.m. last night and discovered the 26-year-old unconscious in her bed and surrounded by dozens of empty bottles of daily moisturizers, anti-wrinkle treatments, and hydrating balms, suggesting an acute level of lotion toxicity.

“When we arrived, Ms. Nagler’s blood-lotion level was 0.45. That’s four times the lethal limit,” said emergency responder Anne Jones, noting that in addition to finding high levels of Olay and Jergens in her system, doctors also discovered traces of harder oils like ylang-ylang and jojoba. “Her lips were extremely glossy—glossier than I’ve ever seen. It took us hours to stabilize her shea-soaked skin before we could even begin wiping off the many herbal extracts and replenishing creams, not to mention bath and shower gels.”

“We’re guessing that by the time her boyfriend found her, she had been inhaling cocoa butter and eucalyptus fumes for over 45 minutes,” Jones continued. “One more Buf-Puf of jasmine serum and it would have been too late.”

Doctors said that after Nagler arrived at the hospital’s trauma ward, it was a “race against time” to save the young woman’s life, with teams of nurses working around the clock to neutralize the accumulated layers of almond butters, Moroccan oils, essential fruit extracts, and age-defying exfoliants that had left her skin dangerously supple.

After first treating her arms and legs to remove the thick coat of honeysuckle and whipped vanilla gloss, emergency room staff vigorously scrubbed Nagler’s body with gauze to reduce the buildup of vitamin E and hibiscus. Next, the medical team used a high-powered pump to suction the ultra-hydrating lotions from her face and hands, areas that had been exposed to critical periods of long-lasting moisturization.

Read more: The Onion

Share Your Comments
Trending Now on GJWHG