Finchie Cova posted the hilarious letter on his Facebook page in the early hours of Friday morning and it’s proved an internet sensation.
MY OPEN LETTER TO ISIS (FULL VERSION)
What’s the craic lads! I don’t think we have officially met. Finchie here from Ireland, we are that non aggravating, laid back post English island to the west of the bulls***.
So how’s yourself? Been busy I hope. I see from the shallow media outlets and “copy paste” fear posting on social media that ye have been up to your neck in it the past few months. Good for you!
Sorry to be bothering ye boys while ye are busy planning the world’s biggest burning man festival in the name of Alan, (or what ever he’s called) but something has come to our attention to past few days that we need to have a quick “chat” about it.
What’s this I hear about ye adding us to a list of countries called “The Global Coalition” in some mad 80’s themed propaganda video? Ah lads come on will ya, shtep down from 3 legged horse now for a second and rewind the cassette cuz I think ye got it wrong.
First of all, lads were only here for the craic! We have been through too much sh**e hawking over the past couple of thousand years to be goin all “rouge and sh**” and joining in fights we clearly don’t want to be part of.
It’s like when a fisht fight breaks out in primary school between Vince and Iano Kelly. Most of us just watch, shout a bit and kick a bin to make noise or whatever, but we don’t bother getting involved (well Vince is English so any sly opportunity for a shneaky kick to the shins and were all over it) we couldn’t be a***d with the hole thing, we’re simply too laid back.
Now keeping that in mind let me let you in on a few tips if you do decide to come over here and pi** in our cornflakes.
Don’t judge us on the actions of the lads across the pond. We don’t like that craic. I get that ye have yer fight an all, but dont drag us into it, we don’t give a left b****ck for Alan and what he tells ye to do.
Sharon’s law, (or whatever it is) won’t work here. I know a Sharon, and she’s a c***. We don’t like her either.
Don’t bomb our sh**. We just finished building it back after breaking free from the very enemy you also have on your hit list. (if you want tho you can destroy leitrim, absolute sh**ehole lads I’m not joking).
We have more than one army. 1 official army (actually went training in north cork recently to prepare for your arrival. And yes north cork is exactly like Damascus, especially fermoy on a Friday night).
We also have a few non official, highly secretive, multi talented armies all with the same name (you get used to it after a while) who hate each other but have one very important thing in common…all mad b****rds. Let that sink in.
By the way the unofficial armies are all trained in guerrilla warfare. Meaning your f***ed. Like actually f***ed. Unless you want to buy weapons, then some of them will turn a blind eye to ” the cause” and sell ya a few AKs while you visit.
Don’t even think about blowing up Leo Burdocks!!! Consider this your harshest warning!
If any single pub is damaged during your short stay here, we will consider this an act of war!!! And we praise to our God Arthur, we will strike down on you with great vengeance and furious anger on those who attempt to destroy our drinking patterns during a time of crises!.
On a final note, remember these and you should be fine:
1. Offies close at ten.
2. Don’t leave the immersion on.
3. PM me for Bono’s address.
4. Don’t bomb sh** when the toy show is on.
5. Start with leitrim.
6. If your looking for virgins you won’t find any on Harcourt street.
7. Get a Tesco clubcard. Trust me.
8. If you want to blow up a stadium, go to dalymount please.
9. Go to a water protest, they don’t judge you for where your from, just if you pay or not.
10. Finally, if asked for change, eyes down and keep F***ing walking!
So ISIS its good to meet you. Do yourself a favour and us, stay where you are. You don’t want to come here, were not bothered with the issues you have.
But if you do, we will beat the sh** out of all of you using mammies wooden spoon, kilkenny hurlers and the bouncers from the copper faced Jack’s.
Finchie and the rest of Ireland.
EDIT: offaly, offaly too!
Read more: The Daily Star