In the run-up to the 2016 presidential election, the Republican Party will explode. When the smoke clears, there will be four (four!) new parties.
First, there will still be the Republican Party, sort of, but it will change its name to the GOPPPP (Grand Old Party Of Perennial Pathetic Putzes). The new name, though, won’t change the fact that the party has failed to win a majority of America’s voters in five of the past six elections or that it keeps running candidates even its own members don’t like!
It’s top contenders? Sen. Marco Rubio of Florida; Rep. Paul Ryan of Wisconsin; Gov. Rick Perry of Texas; maybe that guy who governs Wisconsin. You know, the polished politicos who say all the right things to get Republicans to like them, but who then go on to get slaughtered in the general election. Those guys.
Then, there’ll be a new super-combo-hybrid party joining the old GOP with the Democratic Party. No, not Republicrat — Demoblican. In this new abomination, there aren’t even Republicans-In-Name-Only — there aren’t even Republicans! There are just the truly enlightened public servants, here to serve us because they — and they alone — have been given The Gift from on high.
It’s sole contender? Gov. Chris Christie. Sure, former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush will tease a Demoblican run, but in an epiphany, he’ll remember that his last name is Bush and disappear forever. That, of course, will leave the portly New Jersey pol alone, but don’t worry, he’ll debate himself endlessly, move right, then left, like John F. Kerry windsurfing, until no one has