Whitehouse Seeks Out Santa Claus to Help Fight the War On Terror

obama santaWASHINGTON, DC – In response to the uproar resulted from the government surveillance program Prism being publicly disclosed, the Whitehouse has issued an apology that promises to forfeit the Verizon phone data that they had unconstitutionally taken.

However, the administration has not giving up on their relentless pursuit of fighting terror just yet.  In a homeland security conference yesterday the president publicly declared his administrations latest strategy.

“This morning we dispatched a small team of negotiators and military officers to the North Pole, their mission is to find Santa Claus”, said the president.  When asked by reporters how Santa could possibly assist in protecting our national security, Obama responded, “he knows when you are sleeping, he knows when you’re awake, he knows when you’ve been bad or good, so we want to know exactly what he knows.”

With the goal of acquiring the Naughty or Nice list, the Whitehouse argues that since our constitutional rights do not extend to Christian Saints, using Santa is the most effective, and legal, strategy to finding out everything about each of its citizens.

“Depending on how the negotiations go we may or may not see another Christmas. But be assured that if Mr. Claus is compliant we will have taken another great step against terror – knowing everything about what everyone is doing at anytime.”


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About the author: Sebastian Scholl

My interests are extremely varied, as I am a musician, artist, athlete and scholar. Over my first 21 years I’ve had my artwork commissioned, performed music and dance publicly, become a nationally recognized athlete in multiple sports, critiqued film festivals, created a new style of photography, represented a major clothing brand and traveled around the world on more than one occasions. Born in Miami, Florida, my mother and father believed that developmental learning through travel was the highest quality education. Thus, my siblings and I were each home-schooled till the ninth grade. Wings ready or not, by then we were ready to leave the nest. Starting high school, I attended a boarding school for two years in the heart of the Rocky Mountains in Colorado. Here I developed an obsessive passion for whitewater kayaking. For my junior year, an opportunity arose that allowed me to travel for the year with my kayak, while staying on course academically; I never looked back. I soon found myself paddling the small creeks of southern Mexico to the colossal river valleys of western China. After the dream ended, though, I finished high-school back in Colorado at a public school, where I believe I had my first "normal" experience...ever. Since then I've spent my past three years at Boston University pursuing a life of opportunity, and have yet to rest in hopes of finding one that best suits me.

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