Don’t Do It: 8 Guys You Should Never Fall in Love With

Screenshot 2014-06-03 at 9.57.56 AM1. The one who messages you once a year to say something incredible.

Every so often, you’ll wake up to a text or a Facebook message from him, something about how he thought of you last night, or how he wants to see you, or when are you going to be in his city? It will fill you with a sudden whoosh of excitement and hope. But no matter how carefully you’ll try to reply to his messages — to seem casually interested, but not like you’re invested in his sudden attention — he’ll always fade away again, and you’ll somehow be left feeling desperate, even if he’s the one who reached out to you. You’ll delete his number from your phone to prevent yourself from drunk texting him, but you’ll still look at his profile every now and again.

2. The one who doesn’t like your friends.

He’ll hang out with them from time to time, because to not see them would be unreasonable, but he won’t like it. He’ll pout and text a lot and demand your attention, and then when the two of you are walking home, he’ll say nasty things about them. One time your friend will come over late at night, crying because she just got some very, very bad news, and the two of you will sit on your couch, drinking wine and talking until 3 AM. You’ll tell him about it the next day, and he’ll make an offhand comment about how your friends are “so fucking dramatic.”

3. The one with the interesting tattoos, who makes you say “yes.”

One day you’ll be standing outside of a house party, drinking a beer and talking to people you don’t really know. He’ll be sitting next to you on a cooler, wearing a frayed, deep-cut t shirt that shows off all of his interesting tattoos — black lines, strange symbols, words written too small to read from your distance — and rolling a small cigarette on an open pack of Drum. You’ll look down at him for a second too long, and he’ll say “Want one?” It will feel like some kind of royalty has chosen you out of a crowd. You’ll say yes, even though you don’t really smoke, and for the next three months, you’ll do a lot of things that you don’t really do, just because you want him to think of you as 20 percent cooler than you are. And then he’ll sleep with someone else, and you’ll be devastated, mostly because it won’t even count as cheating — you never even declared yourselves a couple in the first place.

4. The one who changes around his friends.

Your relationship will be like a secret that only the two of you can ever know about, and every time he’ll be in the same room as his friends, it’ll be like a light switch has suddenly been turned off. He’ll be cold, and sarcastic, and not want to do any of the charming, silly things the two of you like to do together in private. “I’ve seen you naked drinking milk in front of the refrigerator, you asshole,” you’ll think, “Don’t you act like you’re cool all of a sudden.” And suddenly, all you’ll want is for him to be kind in front of them, to prove that you’re not insane, and that the version of him you know in private really does exist. Then he’ll use the word “pussywhipped” in conversation once or twice, and you’ll realize that will never happen.

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