In a last minute press conference Wednesday evening, President Obama announced that the entire nation has been run by a, “secret society of low level government employees” for the past few years. Janitors, secretaries, and even unpaid high school interns make up just some of the known members of this clandestine group. While little is currently known about the group, the White House has confirmed that they have been responsible for all of the Obama administration’s recent scandals, and possibly many future scandals as well.
President Obama noted that he and his administration only found out about the group, “a few days ago”, when they saw the story posted on the White House’s website ” just like everyone else”. The President claimed that he and those in his administration were simply, “too high up to have any real control over the IRS and actions in Benghazi” and then went on to say, “my administration and I are simply too disconnected from the inner workings of the US government to be aware of such things”. Noting, that he and his Administration, “can’t be expected to know every high level action taken by the Obama administration”. Credulously adding, “do you have any idea how far away my office is from the IRS, or the city of Benghazi, for that matter?”.
When asked about how such scandals could take place under the Obama administration’s watch, Attorney General explained, “we like to roll out of the offices at around two or three pm. This left our offices totally open to the ravages of these low level employees. They had everything from the keys to the wifi passwords, they could have done anything”.
After this wave of scandals, the Obama administration has vowed to, “crack down on low level abuses of power”, vowing, “never again shall the people of this great nation fear from the tyranny of minimum wage employees and interns”.
While it is yet unclear, there has also been much speculation from the Whitehouse as to the participation of ghosts in the IRS, AP, and Benghazi scandals. Jay Carney assured the American public by telling reporters that they would have more information on the participation of ghosts and other un-patriotic ghouls, “by the end of the week”.
UPDATE: All known members of the secret society of low level workers have been taken out by unmanned air drone at roughly three am last night. From a lavish Beyonce gala celebrating the event, President Obama told reporters that, “America has nothing left to fear”. That his administration has, “taken care of the problem”, and that, “all you obnoxious media types can finally stop looking into it”.