THIS JUST IN: Madonna Breaks Promise of Giving Oral if You Vote Hillary

Yeah, this was a given. Otherwise, her jaw would be incredibly sore. Yes this is a fun piece but darn it! It’s news and it’s a promise broken. We can’t allow this!

By Gersh Kuntzman

It’s another broken campaign promise.

Madonna has withdrawn from her pledge to provide some, er, satisfaction to Hillary voters, the latest disappointment in an election season full of them.

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The singer had famously promised the oral sex last month — “And I am good,” she added, lest anyone question her gratification qualifications — but when a Hillary supporter, armed with a selfie of his ballot, showed up to claim the prize, he was greeted with derision.

“Ha ha ha ha,” laughed the security guard at her Madgesty’s Upper East Side manse. “I didn’t get that information, sorry, man.”

He then hung up, leaving a reporter with the ultimate hanging chad. Indeed, given that I was the only man seeking to have my ballot punched, I wanted to ask a follow-up question: Was Madonna upset that no men showed up to be rewarded for saying “I’m with her”?

There are only two possible conclusions a reasonable person could draw:

1. Men declined to show up because they did not want anything special from Madonna.

2. Men learned from our article yesterday that it is illegal to offer anyone anything in exchange for his or her vote.

Our story was mostly about companies offering voters free donuts, French fries or even gym workouts — but he also confirmed that federal law considers any such offer a bribe.


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