With Leaders Like These, Who Needs Conspiracy Theories?

President Obama Laughs with Aides on Air Force OneI know it can be easy to get trapped in the insidious snares of conspiracy theories. However it’s important to leave them and their seemingly sensible sensibilities to the crusty and noxious chat room corners of the internet where they belong.

While the idea that lizard people lead by Elvis used telekinesis to stage the moon landing may be slightly sexier of a thought than a bunch of Floridia nerds putting a tin can into orbit, at the end of the day, even if the wildest theories you hear are true…who really cares?

With things as strange as Yeti Crabs and Blob fish swimming around in broad daylight (if you don’t know what these things look like, google them) it seems silly to waste time searching for bigfoot.

The United States government is showing us that truth is much, much sicker than fiction. Even the most crazed delusions of Alex Jones can’t compare to the harrowing atrocities of the NSA and IRS that can be seen on the nine o’clock news. In short, why chase imaginary monsters when real ones can be seen well dressed in poorly fitted suits on C-Span?

Why waste time investigating imaginary crimes, when the government of the freest country on Earth openly admits to stealing its citizens’ personal information?

The sad thing is, a better societies’ conspiracy theories would be made of the same nightmarish things our evening news reports are. We have no need for conspiracy theories, the world we live in is twisted enough.

I couldn’t care less whether the eyes reading my emails at the NSA be lizard, alien, or human, the fact they are being read by anyone other than the people I intended to see them is horrifying enough.

The NSA’s crimes should never be forgotten. In what I bootlessly prayed was an onion article, I read a nauseating sixty percent of Americans aren’t bothered by the NSA’s unprecedented surveillance of American citizens. We can not let these people marginalized one of the greatest crimes in American history.

We must resist anyone who wants to lump concerns about our overzealous Orwellian state with the angst of the tin foil hat wearers. To anyone who honestly believes they have nothing to hide and aren’t bothered by the NSA, tweet your bank account information (preferably to @patvkane).

While I’ve nothing in my facebook inbox I’m so desperate to hide from the government, I recognize this is about more than me and my mundane communications.

America today doesn’t resemble Orwell, it has been transcribed almost verbatim straight from 1984. The American people have caught a real life monster, and it is our duty to make sure the bastards don’t get away with their crimes.
Follow author Patrick Kane at www.facebook.com/heroinpuppies


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